Memory Lapse 1.0

I caught a glimpse of a friend of a friend on the bus this evening, someone whom I've met a bunch of times. Several bunches of times, even. I could not remember her name. Could not. And could not, still. I turned away from her, sinking deeper into my earbuds, and scrolled desperately through the friends list of our mutual connection on Facebook. Perhaps I could slyly glean her name and then make breezy contact, as if I had just been too absorbed in the Judge John Hodgman podcast to notice her sooner.

I failed to find her name, and I failed to remember her name, as we bumped along the 22 route for another fifteen minutes. It became way too late on this bus ride, and seemed too many years into our acquaintanceship, simply to engage in a mea culpa chat and ask her to remind me her name. I slunk off at my stop, feeling both embarrassment and an odd neutrality (or was it numbness?) about the coming storm of my senility.

I’m not even joking.

I’m 43, and it’s been happening for the last two years or so. Words, particularly names, are dropping out of my head. A couple years ago, I asked my sisters, both ahead of me in age by some years, “Do you forget words sometimes?” Both answered yes. “How old were you when you started noticing it?” “Oh, around 40.” Hrm.

After ascending the stairs and starting up my computer, I immediately attempted to Google this person to find out her name. I know a lot of things about her: she’s a published writer, and a Buddhist, and runs writing workshops, and I’ve read pieces she’s written. And, thank whatever deity or spark in my neural pathways, I finally remembered her name without the internet having to jog my memory. I just needed about an hour of active and passive recall time.

Aging is so odd, and fascinating, and scary.

Thanksgiving at the Compound

Can't believe I haven't told you about the Family Compound yet! It's apropos now, since we had our first Thanksgiving there yesterday. Here's the deal: the vast majority of my immediate family has moved into a condo complex together in the thriving pseudo-metropolis of Campbell, California, home of, among other things great and small, the Pruneyard Shopping Center.

It's not like a kibbutz or like Jonestown; it's actually five discrete condos in an upscaley complex, initial purchase made possible by some shifting around of real estate and assets by my sister C. & brother-in-law Sid. The population of the compound includes both my sisters, my brother-in-law, my nephew Joey and his wife D., my niece Halina and her husband M., and my niece Ursula and nephew Zach. And five cats. The family thus far makes up approximately 25% of the sold units in the building, which means my brood will utterly dominate the HoA. The family-bearing units in the Compound are distributed thusly:

Unit 1 - C. & Sid's place: three-bedrooms, and the likely hub of many future family gatherings.


Unit 2 - My sister J.'s place: two bedrooms, one filled floor-to-ceiling with skeins of yarn (I should know; I helped her unpack it). Locus of crocheting and creative fiction writing frenzies to come. Also home to two kitties.



Unit 3 - My niece Halina & hubby M.'s place: three bedrooms, a laundry room, and likely site of much newlywed bliss. One cat.


Unit 4 - My niece Ursula & nephew Zach's place: two bedrooms, a sweet loft, and likely home of many poker games and Buffy re-viewings. Urse and Zach are cousins, and had been sharing a place together before the Compound was hatched up. Zach has a new kitty named after a maneuver in a popular video game.

Unit 5 - My nephew Joey & wife D.'s place: two bedrooms, an enormous veranda, and likely scene of many future Rock Band games. Hopefully also a hot tub, when the family rules the HoA and does away with the hot tub ban. Oh, yeah, and they've got a cat, too.

The married young couples are taking over paying the mortgages; the others, pretty much renting from C & Sid. It's more complex than that, but that is the pertinent gist. The only close family members not living in the Compound are Mom, happy in her own place for now, and Astrid and I, who are still attempting to eek out a living in San Francisco. I guess if we'd wanted to live in the South Bay, a glistening new unit may have been ours as well. I tried to convince the above players to pack up and move to the City, but it was a no-go.

What's fantastic about this whole thing is that all the twenty-somethings seem to be completely on board: everyone actually wants to live in such close proximity to their parental-types. I dig my family. But yes, they're weird. Present company included.

* Yes, I'm using the highly-gendered bathroom icons knowingly.

Bathroom

The office building where I bookkeep on Wednesdays isn't in a glamorous location. It's south of Market, next door to a detox shelter, down the street from the only food vendor in the neighborhood: a donut shop that also makes sandwiches. Still, I love the view from the bathroom, and I often gaze outside after peeing just to give myself a little repose during the work day.

This is facing north toward downtown. If I had a better camera, it would capture more depth, the tall buildings in the background would look crisper. I enjoy the corrugated metal roofs of the offices in the foreground. The view puts me in touch with the collective consciousness of cubicle workers everywhere who have nothing but carpeted grey walls to stare at all day.

Every time I use the bathroom in this building, I have to laugh at the idea of gender. As if it's not enough that the universal symbol for "ladies' room" is a silhouette of a skirt-wearing person, the actual key I use to get into the bathroom is printed with a floral pattern. I don't work for a particularly conservative company; it's just the way it is, no questions asked. Never mind that I haven't worn a skirt since approximately 2002 (at a dead celebrity party for which I was dressed as Dorothy Parker, martini in hand) and before that probably during George H.W. Bush's administration.

Where's Che?

For a good couple years now, Astrid, DJ, and I have been playing a game called "Punch Che," in which we get to hit each other in the arm whenever we come across someone wearing the iconic image of Che Guevara. It's basically like "Slug Bug" 'cept the entire point is mocking people for buying into the unintentionally ironic marketing frenzy around one of history's most notorious leftist revolutionaries. I'm not a Che-hater, though being a pacifist, it's hard to get me behind the tactics of guerilla warfare (okay, a punching game doesn't count as violent; we're all consenting to being slugged.) It's not a criticism of Che, it's a game making fun of the absurdity of all the lily-white hippy kids who have no fucking idea what Che did or what he stood for wearing his image. Extra points for Che-wearing white kids with dreadlocks.

OK, so, on Sunday, during the insanity of Pride on Market Street right outside the posh Zuni Café, where Astrid, Giddy Girl, and I stopped for a very bougie bloody mary, and after running into my high school English teacher, who is a dyke, no less, at the bar, I spotted someone in a run of the mill Che t-shirt, and got to punch Astrid.

Then not five minutes later, another dude walks by with a Che t-shirt, this time the Argentine agitator emblazoned, tattoo-style, on the bicep of the equally recognizable popculture icon Homer Simpson. My brain broke, and I burst out in uncontrolled, tearful laughter at the sight of it. I'm sure many of you have seen Che's image mashed up with Homer before, but I guess I'd been under a rock. The brilliance of that many layers of irony packed together into a gimmicky t-shirt was just overwhelming to me.

Red to Green, Part Four (of Four)

…in which Bree's sex life gets much more sane and we wrap this thing up.

Click here for the legend. Apologies for the small size of some of these charts (having trouble with Photoshop) – please click on a chart for a larger version.

Jump back to Part Three

2005-2006. Drama factor: 2 (mostly the fun kind!) Astrid and I met in '05 and became casual but intentional lovers. Both of us continued and began sexual connections with other partners during this first year we were dating. Astrid was involved with Kiley, Jesse, and Bren when I met her, and I had a few casual hook-ups with my friend Rita and with a random woman I met on Craigslist. I imagined Astrid to be sleeping with, like, "everyone," and I'm not sure why I harbored this fantasy. Probably 'cause I found her to be so unbefuckinglievably desirable, and couldn't figure out what she was doing with lil old me in these first few months. I was pretty fresh off of my break up with N., and feeling shaky about what I had to offer, as well as emotionally raw. But as I healed and got some equilibrium, and as Astrid and I grew more intimate, I felt much more confidence and really hit a stride with my polyosity. Astrid dated Cian in the fall, and Dax and I met around that same time and fell into a yummy, loving dating relationship. Though this was hard to navigate at times, I felt really good about being able to express my feelings with each of them and I was even able to balance my time in a sane way (read: this was before I started grad school!) So, for several months, I was dating both Dax and Astrid, as A and I gradually became more committed to each other, in as open and unconventional a way as we could. Eventually, Dax fell in love with her new partners, Boi & Boy, and she decided to become polyfidelitous with them. High point: Sexual freedom, developing intimacy with both Astrid and Dax, and authentic and honest sexual connections with shorter-term partners. Low point: Figuring out how to facilitate as safe a space as possible for both Astrid and Dax to be in my life in their different roles. I can't say that I handled this as elegantly as I should have, but this was nowhere near the totally unethical ways I handled nonmonogamy in past relationships (See the Bianca Bramble, ten years previous.)

Drama factor: 1. In '06 and '07, things calmed down as Astrid and I navigated changes in our relationship. In '06 we became girlfriends and I started grad school, and we began living together in '07. I smooched a couple women (a make-out at the Lex and subsequent awkward date; a kiss with my coworker Shareen on the eve of her return to living in the Midwest.) So, nothing too involved. I'm not 100% sure, but I don't think Astrid had any action going on during this period either. My crushes on various people flourished during this time (some of you know who you are). High point: Being with Astrid just fucking rocks. Low point: Not really a "low" point, but it can be difficult to negotiate my desire for being with multiple people even if I'm not actively involved with anyone other than my partner. Sometimes I'm perfectly content, sometimes I feel angsty, and there are a whole range of other associated feelings at any given time. Mostly, I was just really happy in my primary relationship and very busy with school.

2007-2008. Drama factor: 3. No other involvements for either of us throughout 2007, and then toward the end of '08, Astrid and I had a visit from an old lover of hers, Elle, which provided a really complex and beautiful experience for us to navigate together. Then not long after that, I hung out with a friend of mine on whom I've had the hots for a long while, the beautiful and bawdy Calista. We had a few drinks at various local haunts, and then, once she figured out I was attempting to make a pass (I'm really not subtle, and neither is she, thankfully) she reeled me in for a lusty little kiss on the corner of 24th and Mission. She put the kabosh on anything more happening, due to her own relationship concerns, but I will go on record as saying "Mee-ow!" Both because of the specific interaction with Calista, and the more general state of my polyness and not having had another involvement outside Astrid and I in a couple years, it felt really vibrant and alive to be able to play with that sort of energy with another person again. It was fun stuff. More please! Anyone? Bueller?

Fin

Jump to back Part Three or Start at the beginning with Part One.

Shameless Self-Promotion

I really had some momentum for a while with updating, but it's been several days since my last post, and I've lacked inspiration. I've been working on the blog in the background, though, doing some promo and working on entries to be posted at key times in the near-future.

Has anyone seen my Toothpick Labels around San Francisco yet? I've been sheepishly sticking these 1x4" promos all over sign posts, bike racks, and Muni stops in the Mission, TriBeSa, and the Lower Haight.

I imagine it's a hilarious sight to see me engaged in the petty defacement of public property: I pull a label from the backing, looking around to case the situation, and stick it on as quickly as I can, walking away as nonchalantly as possible. A tiny little adrenaline rush occurs which I attribute to paranoia and the thrill of doing something naughty. I don't know whether this will improve my readership, but it's fun! Definitely let me know if you spot one! I'll be expanding into the upper Haight, Castro, and various other neighborhoods as my schedule allows.

A totally legit way to help me promote my blog, if you're also on Blogger, is to become a public Follower of Toothpick Labeling. Quick and painless, and that way you get updates on my posts directly in your Blogger dashboard, and I get to know who the hell's reading this thing.

And lastly, I'll take this opportunity to remind my loyal readers that, oh yes, the 2008 Wrap is in heavy production mode, and will be posted as soon as possible after the turn of the year. That's a scant couple months away, so do be titillated, by all means! If you're new to Tlab and don't know what this "Wrap" is of which I speak, click onto the 2007 Wrap in the Faves section on the right and get yourself acquainted!

Thanks for being out there, youz.

xo
Bree

Vintage Bree: Where were you during the Loma Prieta earthquake?

October 17, 1989, San Jose, California, early evening. I am sitting at the desk in my bedroom, my senior year of high school, and my mom is in the room next to mine, playing Boggle on our now ancient Mac. I am working on a homework assignment (I don't quite recall which) when the house begins to shake, and shake. My mom and I both yell, "Oh Shit!" in unison, and then I scream, "Get into the doorway!" and we stand there, in the doorways of the rooms side by side, waiting for it to be over. The quake kills 63 people, injures more than 3,000 and leaves even more homeless. The Bay Bridge and the Cypress structure collapse.

Ten years later. I work at a natural foods deli in Santa Cruz, and I'm fetching some items from the case for a customer who looks familiar to me, a friendly middle aged woman, all smiles and silky grey hair. I figure she's a regular. My co-worker and I are having a conversation on the occasion of the tenth anniversary of the Loma Prieta temblor. "Where were you during the quake?" I ask from behind the counter, including the shopper in on our chat. The customer thinks on it, and then offers in good cheer, "I was giving a pelvic exam at the Women's Health Center!" We all laugh, and then she and I beam at each other in embarrassed recognition.

The Germans!

Four lovely German dykes are staying with the us this week - a friend and former make-outy person of Astrid's, L., and her three traveling pals. We had a grand night out on the town with them last night which consisted of Indian food at Pakwan and much alcohol at the local dyke watering hole. Then I walked back to the apartment with some of the ladies and Astrid and L. continued to catch up at the bar, and it seems that L. is quickly becoming a current make-outy pal of Astrid's, too! This is really hot and fun for me to hear about and I'm definitely experiencing some nice compersion, picturing Astrid and L. getting down and wondering about how the group dynamics around it will unfold during the week.

Today, the girls are off exploring the Golden Gate Bridge, and Astrid and I are lunching and taking a bike ride. And then later, we'll all convene to watch Astrid perform some smutty poetry at her very first public literary reading! Yay sex! Yay creativity! Yay Germans!

AIDS Walk

Instead of working on my paper today (which was due on Thursday and still isn't done, though it's nearly done) I'm joining 25,000 other folks for a little walk in Golden Gate Park. It's actually the first time I'm doing the AIDS Walk. Makes me think back to the very first time I did a charity event where I got sponsored for something - I was five or six years old, and ice skated at Vallco Mall for the Muscular Dystrophy Association. Those were the days.

Why I Love Living in the City

This morning at about four-thirty I awoke to the tuning of a very loud radio outside my window. As my waking consciousness became clearer, I could perceive the switching of stations intermixed with screeching static, and the noise was getting louder as the radio, which I suspected emanated from a moving car, approached the apartment. Finally, the operator of the radio settled on a song, and though the volume waned slightly, it still played loud and true. I laughed in bed listening to the song for a moment, then I got up and peered out the window to see what the hell was going on.

It was a guy with an enormous boom box walking down the street, who apparently thought the end of our block was the spot he would settle. He just stood there, in the middle of the street, blasting Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam's 1987 hit Head to Toe. I probably hadn't thought about that song in at least fifteen years. I understand from the internets that the song hit number 1 on the Hot 100 21 years ago last month.

Sleep: I get that every night, more or less.
Lisa Lisa on a boom box outside my window: priceless.

Mawwage, Part Two

Phyllis Lyon and Del Martin became the first legally married lesbian couple in San Francisco just about an hour ago. Huzzah! Not only have they been some of the most important activists for LGBT rights in history, these broads have been together for 56 years! Can you imagine being a lesbian in the '50s, with that most complete cultural denial and repression aiming to destroy you and deny your existence, and at the same time, sustaining a relationship for over fifty years? Unbelievable.

Mazel tov to Del and Phyllis!

This is also good: the first gay couple to legally marry in Santa Clara County was
David and Rich Speakman of San Jose.

"The couple is using President Bush's economic stimulus check to pay for their wedding."

"'It paid for everything,' David Speakman said, 'so we should probably send him a thank you note.'"

(quoted from the Merc.)

LMAO!

2007 Wrap!

Here it is, kids, your complete 2007 year-in-the-life-of-Bree. But before you start, do check out my last four years right here:

2006
2005
2004
2003

The Stuff that Happened in '07:

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* Astrid and I shacked up! This is a feat that occurred not without considerable angst on both our parts, given our respective histories of living with, and in my case, almost living with previous sweeties.

We're both pretty amazed and grateful that it's working as well as it is. We had a kick-ass housewarming party in March, and thus began our Alter to the Weird mantel installation. February '08 marks a year of living in sin!

* I started interviewing for clinical internships. I ended up applying to two really competitive places in the City that rejected me outright without a chance to interview. I also applied to work in the bereavement department at a hospice, doing short-term grief therapy with people who have recently lost loved ones. I had a killer interview (oof, no pun intended), and really hit it off with the director of the program, but they were too pokey about getting back to me, 'cause, as I was told later, they were holding out for someone a bit older if possible. Meanwhile, I interviewed at a fourth place, an LGBT mental health clinic, and ended up accepting a position there.

* Road-tripped down the coast for spring break. With our bikes tied to the back of the Astridmobile, the gf and I wound slowly 'round the coastal mountains, camped in Big Sur and biked through the wine country outside of Solvang. We bought some amazing chardonnay and pinot noir there and had a visit with some regal ostriches.

Moving further south, we did a great bike loop in Goleta through the UCSB campus, and then drove east to visit Astrid's family in the Mohave desert for Easter.

* My cousin Andrew died, tragically, horribly, wrongly. I’ve blogged about this before, so I won't belabor the point. I miss him. Everything else I will report about the year seems trifling in comparison, but it's the trifling matters that keep us sane, I guess.

* Astrid and I bought a couch!

* We wasted lots of time playing Dr. Mario on Astrid's old Nintendo 64 and watching back-to-back episodes of Buffy and Angel.

* I fucking finished my first year of grad school! I've immensely enjoyed being a student again, showing off my geeky chops, and using parts of my brain that had atrophied significantly over the last near-decade being a bean-counter. I've also learned a ton from my classmates and have made some really good pals. I would say, though, that I have mixed reviews on the whole about the hippy-dippy liberal arts college I chose. After two years at an institution that bounces student loan checks, hires mediocre instructors, and has been on WASC probation and on the brink of losing accreditation, I can't say I'd make the same choice again.

* Went on a camping trip at the Russian River. Highlights: swimmin' with the tadpoles, wine tasting, making killer aloo gobi over the campfire, snuggling with Ms. Astrid in the cozy tent.



*I rediscovered backgammon, a game I hadn't played in probably twenty years, and learned how to play dominoes, though I kind of suck.

* I resigned from my bookkeeping jobs!!! As of July of 2007, I turned in the ol' abacus and haven't looked back.

* I started my internship and began to work with my first psychotherapy clients. It's been an intense and humbling transition into this new work. I still have pretty much no idea what I'm doing, but the learning is really magical, and fucking hard, man.

* Astrid and I started taking ballroom dance lessons! We've learned a little rumba, swing (West Coast, East Coast, Lindy Hop, Charleston), and dabbled with some tango and foxtrot.

I hope as school mellows out, I'll be able to dance much more often with Astrid, 'cause she is, amazingly, even more radiant when spinning on a dance floor, shining that ecstatic smile at me.

* I avoided writing my thesis. Majorly. But as of this writing, the first draft (a drafty draft, indeed) has been handed in.

The Annual Pop/Culture Reviews:

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Many of you know my trusty two-pronged rating system by now. If not, here's the method-in-madness:

1. The Star System - to convey my idea of the "objective merit" of a piece of work (i.e. if I were a professional critic, these are the ratings I'd give the thing). Wherein…

zero stars = abysmal
* = meh
** = average
*** = respectable
**** = outstanding
***** = incomparable

2. Ranked-order – For each category, I will order from top to bottom, indicating the read, flick, or show I enjoyed the most to the least in that section. The way I rank shit may or may not correlate with the cultural zeitgeist (it often doesn't). This is how I can get away with ranking, say, Barbarella (**1⁄2) over the four-star Taxi Driver.



Capiche? Okay, onward!

The Books I Read in '07:

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The Denial of Death by Ernest Becker **** (1973) – the book that inspired my thesis topic, Becker's influential Pulitzer winner rewrites psychoanalytic theory from an existential perspective, posing that the basic anxiety facing humanity is the terror of death. From this point of departure, Becker considers the psychological and philosophical explanations that connect basic character structure and psychopathology to the death anxiety. Highly recommended for all you cerebral types or anyone interested in death studies, existential philosophy, and critique of psychoanalysis. I mark it down from five stars because of Becker's dated take on the nature of homosexuality (this book was written before the psychiatric establishment changed its official stance on queerness as pathology) and also for Becker's insistence on a spiritual answer to the basic problem of death anxiety, lauding Christianity in particular. I think it's an annoyingly culture-bound conclusion to this otherwise extraordinary book.

Nerds 2.0.1.: A Brief History of the Internet by Stephen Segaller ***1/2 (1998)



- One of those street-sale scores, Astrid and I picked up this book quite randomly while on our way to eat a bowl of clam chowder, as I remember. I couldn't resist buying it when I read the ballpoint inscription in the front leaf (all in caps, mind you) "TO SOMEONE WHO WILL NEVER BE ONE…LOVE, MOM & DAD, 12/99." Ah, the blissful ignorance of well-meaning parents who don't understand that the geek identity has been firmly reclaimed. The book provides an overview of the history of the construction of the internet, from its modest bureaucratic beginnings at the Pentagon in the '60s to the era of microcomputing and commercialization of the web. Importantly, the author tells the story in a way simpletons like me can understand. Since the book and accompanying PBS documentary were produced in 1998, you can imagine how much of the story had yet to unfold. In this sense, it's as dated as Adam Sandler's hair in The Wedding Singer. But if you're a non-geek and curious about what the hell "packet switching" is and interested to hear about the launch of ALOHAnet, the first wireless computer network (all the way back in 1970!!) this is a really relaxed and educational read.

Anal Pleasure and Health by Jack Morin ****½ (1998, revised 3rd ed.) This is the ultimate Butt Bible, the most straight-forward and least embarrassing tome you can own that can help you find the way to digestive and anal-muscular health and pain-free anal exploration. Pick this book up if you want to reduce anal tension, become less freaked out about anal functions, increase your overall wellness, and get more enjoyment out of playing with your arse. The very small critique I would offer is that Morin's book gives very little attention to women who have sex with women (wsw).

His small research sample had very few lesbians/wsw, and I would love to see a book that included more discussion of anal sexuality among dykes. That said, the language in this 3rd edition is inclusive and widely applicable to people of all genders and sexualities, as well as to people who are interested in anal health more generally and not as drawn to the topic of sexual exploration.

Mortified ***1/2 (2006) edited by David Nadelberg. Mortified, the book, is an anthology of hits from the live shows of the same name, which happen regularly in New York, LA, Boston, San Francisco, and Chicago. The premise is simple: adults read their childhood and teenage diaries, letters, awful poetry, and other real-life angsty accounts, verbatim, in front of a live, frenetically laughing audience. "Mortified" has become quite a phenomenon, producing this book, and a forthcoming sequel (Mortified 2: Love is a Battlefield, due out this winter), as well as a host of merch and related video clips. To get a feel for the "Mortified" oeuvre, check out this pathetically hilarious story by Will Nolan, I Hate Drake.



Immaterial Facts: Freud's Discovery of Psychic Reality and Klein's Development of His Work **** (1988) by Robert Caper. One of the assigned readings for my Advanced Psychotherapy Techniques class, this book is a real gem, because it explains, in comprehensible prose, the context and timeline of Freud's theories and the clarification and modification of his work by Melanie Klein. This could be an enjoyable read for psych students and laypeople alike, though if you're unfamiliar with psychoanalytic theory, you might want to refer to other sources to help with the terminology. Try the allpsych dictionary as a companion reading.

Bicycling the Pacific Coast **** (2005, 4th ed.) Thorough and well organized guide to biking from Vancouver, B.C. to the California-Mexico border. We used this book extensively on our springtime car/bike trip down the coast. Full of easy-to-navigate maps, points of interest, hostel and campground info, and detailed route descriptions. Applicable for both novice and skilled cyclists.

Strangers In Paradise, Volume 3 **1/2 by Terry Moore. I enjoyed the third volume, but not nearly as much as the first two. I must trudge forward with the series once I'm done with all this thesis nonsense.

Yiddish with Dick and Jane ***, by Ellis Weiner and Barbara Davilman, with illustrations by Gabi Payn. Pretty funny parody of the old D&J primers, with a Yiddish flare and contemporary irony. Check out the abbreviated and quite clever YouTube version.

Films on the Big Screen:

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No Country for Old Men ***** (2007) The Cohen Brothers' latest is certainly the best movie I've seen in some time, and the only new movie I've given five stars since Dirty Pretty Things back in 2003. No Country is the kind of movie you could put in a time capsule for people to dig up a hundred years from now so they might truly know America, in its arid beauty and its (masculine) antisocial violence. Amazing cinematography, performances, plot development, pacing, and a haunting simplicity that subtly masks the layers of meaning within. Check out Rocchi's review at Cinematical for a more thorough discussion. My only criticism is that the story, like so many other films (and the book it's based on), is concerned solely with the male experience and gives very little attention to the women whose lives are impacted by the narrative. I won't detract any stars for this, but I'm noting it because I really do want to see more films this brilliant about women's lives.

Pan's Labyrinth **** (2006) - beautiful fantasy by Mexican director Guillermo Del Toro in which a young girl splits her time between the enclave of her fascist general stepfather in Franco-era Spain and the magical, and sometimes just as dangerous, underworld of the labyrinth.

Little Darlings ***½ (1980) - revival at the Castro. Anyone who knows me is aware of my Little Darlings fixation. Seeing it at the Castro was fucking awesome.

Pump Up The Volume ***1/2 (1990) – revival at the Castro. Also a treat to see on the big screen, the energy and spirit of this movie hold up over time, as does Christian Slater's performance. The pseudo-philosophic-politico rants are fluffy and vague, but this is as radical as Hollywood gets, I guess. And, um, the rooftop make-out scene with Samantha Mathis: hot, hot, hot!

Margot at the Wedding ***½ (2007)

Noah Baumbach's latest film starring Nicole Kidman, Jennifer Jason Leigh (who I adore), and Jack Black.

Bleak and depressing in not nearly the clever and ultimately redemptive way that Squid was. The plot is weak relative to the rich character development that reveals the players' sympathetic sides just to the point that you can embrace them despite how self-absorbed and embarrassing they are. The performances are strong all around, and the dialogue is a solid B+, but I wish Baumbach would concern himself with a world beyond the idiosyncrasies of the East Coast intelligentsia.

"In mainstream movies the woman's role is mostly just to prove that the leading man is heterosexual. I'm not good at that, and I'm not interested in that." -Jennifer Jason Leigh

Citizen Kane ****½ (1941) - revival at the Castro. After seeing Citizen Kane again, for the first time on the big screen, I must admit that it wasn't quite as extraordinary as I'd previously felt. The visual mastery, innovative plot devices, and prescient political commentary are still truly captivating, and Orson Welles' performance is magnificent, one of the all-time best. My only critique is the other performances, which on the whole, were schmaltzy even giving allowance for the staginess so often present in films of the era.

Sicko *** (2007) - Michael Moore's latest documentary about the shitty American health care system. Depressing, as would be expected, given the subject matter. Full of fascinating international comparisons, from Paris to Cuba. Unfortunately also full of Michael Moore's usual heavy-handed narration which presumes the audience to be incapable of formulating its own opinions. Bless him for cracking open the glass ceiling on documentary, but here's hoping that someday he branches out stylistically.

Footloose **1/2 (1984) – revival at the Castro (double-feature with Pump Up The Volume). The less satisfying of the two movies, but full of fun 80s popculty nostalgia and deliciously over-the-top melodrama.

Sixteen Candles **1/2 (1984) – revival at Dolores Park. I think this teen angst flick from the John Hughes oeuvre is plainly classic, with highlights including paying a buck to see Molly Ringwald's underpants in the boy's bathroom, the jock-strap donning nerds, Jake and Caroline dancing to "True" by Spandau Ballet.

But the cheap racist/sexist humor tarnishes this movie substantially. Here's some commentary generated from the screening at Dolores Park this summer, concerning the depiction of Long Duck Dong, played by Gedde Watanabe. People don't seem to get as visibly upset about the sexism as they do about the racist caricatures, but it pisses me off every time I see the scene after the party, when Jake tells Farmer Ted "I could violate (a passed out Caroline) ten different ways if I wanted to." Overall, kind of painful to re-watch. And seeing this movie at Dolores Park, while a nice idea, was logistically awful: the park was so crowded, there was no way of getting an undisturbed view of the screen, and the sound was even worse.

For the Bible Tells Me So **1/2 (2007) – a documentary about how Christians should tolerate milquetoasty gays because we're just like everybody else. I would recommend the film to moderate/liberal Christian folks who want to ignite their own inclusive activism, but I think other documentaries that address homophobia and LGBT culture do a much better job at portraying more realistic and diverse images of queers. This one speaks to a very narrow margin of religious people who are already open-minded: in more cliché words, it's preaching to the choir.

TV shows on DVD

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Which last year was dominated by a certain vampire slayer…

Buffy the Vampire Slayer – Season One ***, Season Two ****, Season Three ****, Season Four **½ , Season Five ****, Season Six *****, Season Seven ***½

Angel - Season One***, Season Two****, Season Three*****, Season Four **

What can I say about the Buffyverse and how much it's impacted my life in 2007? After watching nearly the whole of two series' worth of episodes, totaling some two hundred hours of DVD viewing, all the while in grad school getting my masters degree, you might say I've double majored in psychology and Buffyology. I seriously considered incorporating aspects from Buffy into my thesis, but it's a bit late for that. But needless to say, the themes in the series, specifically about death and destruction and love in the face of death, are some of what has gotten me so severely addicted.

Here are some good Buffyverse links, which are, naturally, full of spoilers. I've had to be vary sparing in my internet snooping about Buffy til recently, so I haven't explored these sites very thoroughly. Here are my impressions of some of 'em:

Buffycritic.Com

If you can suffer through the annoying pop-up ads, this site is a great all-around resource for Buffy/Angel fandom. It has summaries and intelligent reviews of the episodes by season, with ratings broken down into dramatic and comedic elements, as well as for how well the episode moved the story arc.

Much Ado About Buffy the Vampire Slayer

One of the only decently designed sites on general Buffy/Angel interest, as well as one of the only sites that has recent content (many fansites stopped growing after the shows wrapped in 2003/2004.) The cast/character page has adorable clickable avatars of all the major and recurring characters.

All Things Philosophical on Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel: The Series

Ginormous amount of psycho/philosophical babble about all aspects of the 'verse, including character motivations, moral ambiguities, good vs. evil, the various theories of philosophy represented in the series, discussion boards, etc.

Above the Law: Asking Questions of Mythos, Metaphysics, and Morality in Buffy the Vampire Slayer

A message board about various themes in the 'verse. Pretty dated, but cool to see fans posting their thoughts, excitements, and gripes in real-time while the series ran.

Documentaries on DVD

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An Inconvenient Truth **** (2006) – the Al Gore documentary on global warming. If you haven't seen it, please do. While the narrative style (much like Al Gore himself) is a bit dry, the information presented really speaks for itself, powerfully. And please stop driving so fucking much, okay? That is all.

The right-wingers want you to believe this is a "natural" phenomenon that has nothing to do with industrialization and pollution.

The Celluloid Closet **** (1995; rerun) - Anyone who’s interested in film history, not just queer history, should see this documentary based on the book of the same title by Vito Russo. Both the book and the film detail Hollywood from the Silent era on through the first films in the '80s that presented a positive queer point of view. The film discusses how the "anti-obscenity" Motion Picture Production Code of 1930 drove queer themes underground and created a lasting legacy of cinematic invisibility at best and films filled with violent homophobia at worst. Really great interviews with Susan Sarandon in particular, as well as Tony Curtis, Arthur Laurents, Harvey Fierstein and more. Narrated by the amazing Lily Tomlin.



Word Play **** (2006) – highly enjoyable documentary on the mighty crossword puzzle: the people who create them and the people who go slightly mad solving them.

John Stewart rocks the crossweird.

Before Stonewall **** (1984) – pioneering documentary about LGBT political and cultural history for the decades preceding the Stonewall Riots, the explosive starting point of the contemporary Gay Liberation Movement. Wonderful interview footage of Harry Hay, Audre Lorde, Allen Ginsberg, and many more movers of GLBT liberation.

Jesus Camp ***1/2 (2006) – after seeing this film, discussing it with friends, and reading a decent amount of commentary about it, I'm still perplexed by it. The film's images and scenarios, played out candidly by avidly churchy children (whose beliefs seem dangerously concrete) still chill me, months after seeing it (earnest tears as they pledge allegiance to god's army, for example). What's most disturbing about it is the hands-off style of filmmaking, allowing the point of view of the filmmakers to be left ambiguous, with the exception of footage of an ex-right wing radio commentator given the floor periodically during the film's run. One of the most thoughtful reviews of the movie I've seen comes from David Byrne's blog. Have a look.

The U.S. Vs. John Lennon *** (2006) – Doc about John Lennon's anti-war and civil rights activism, primarily centered around his battle with the INS over deportation after marijuana possession charges in the early '70s. I found it enjoyable but not very enlightening, full of great personal footage and interviews but lacking in depth about much, be it his activism or his turbulent personal struggles. The editor at Ebert's page hits it on the head.

After Stonewall *** (1999) – the follow up to Before Stonewall. Worth seeing, as it documents the GLBT rights movement post Gay-Lib and focuses on the impact of AIDS/HIV on the community. Not nearly as well made or memorable as the first film.

Sigmund Freud: Analysis of a Mind ** A&E "Biography" episode about Freud's life and major works, which is overall not terribly revealing and remains theoretically very shallow. The only interesting footage comes in the two interviews with Freud's grandchildren. When dealing with one of the largest personalities of the 20th Century, and particularly with Freud, the ultimate narcissist, it is truly moving to hear a grandson's recollection of his grandfather's jaw cancer, and how Freud was in so much pain from his illness and some 30 surgeries that after a point, his lap just wasn't for sitting upon anymore.

Siggy in his 30s

Narrative Films on DVD

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Punch Drunk Love **** (2002; rerun) – it took this second viewing of the movie to make me realize that it's possibly one of my all-time favorites. If you've never seen an Adam Sandler flick you've liked (and I wouldn't blame you), remember that this is not an "Adam Sandler movie" – it's a P.T. Anderson masterpiece.

The Big Lebowski **** (1998; rerun) - I’m finally beginning to understand the brilliance of this movie. It's also amazing to think about the breadth of the work of Joel and Ethan Cohen as filmmakers – that they are capable of such searing pop culture satire and also such rich dramatic tension, and that most of their movies contain strong elements of both, so that you can't put any of their films into one box or another.

A Scanner Darkly **** (2006) – I've never read Phillip K. Dick's novel, so I can't compare it here, but the animated film by Richard Linklater works beautifully. I was skeptical about Scanner at first, because I felt his earlier attempt at an animated feature, Waking Life, to be a long-winded regurgitation of the philosophical musings of the far superior Slacker.

And while I love Slacker, A Scanner Darkly accomplishes something that none of Linklater's films have before: its eerie emotional resonance lingers after viewing. It's not unlike the feeling of frantically scratching to rid oneself from the itch of the hallucinatory bugs of substance withdrawal, álà the movie's first sequence. This owes to the rich source material for the film, which expands Linklater beyond his usual micro personal milieu.

Stranger Than Fiction ***1/2 (2006) – I liked this Will Ferrell/Maggie Gyllenhaal flick a mite better than I thought I would. If you liked the thematically similar The Truman Show and the similar fiction-writing milieu of Adaptation, give this one a go. I'd say it's almost on par with the former, not as literary as the latter, and overall, a bit less challenging and neater/tidier than either.



The Princess Bride ***1/2 (1987; rerun) – I had only seen it once back in the day, and I decided to pop it in recently, since Astrid owns the disc. It holds up, for sure, especially the fantastic chemistry between Inigo Montoya (I had no idea that was Mandy Patinkin!) and Fezzik (Andre the Giant). There's a lot of snoozy parts, but certainly it's worth seeing again if it's been fifteen or twenty years since your last viewing. The one-liners alone ("…Anybody want a peanut?" "Have fun storming the castle!" et al) are quite satisfying when taken out of the popcultural ether and put back in the context of the movie.

Volver ***½ (2006) – It's wonderful to see a solid film about the emotional lives of women. But I felt similarly about The Hours: instead of "solid," or "very good," it'd be nice to see an excellent one for a change. And ah, those whimsical farting ghosts…

Conversation(s) with Other Women *** (2005) – I liked this talky film with Helena Bonham Carter and Aaron Eckhart. The performances were great, but the writing, and thus the emotion, fell flat often. The entire movie is rendered in split screen, and while distracting at times, this device was used to good effect to convey the different POVs of the two characters, as well as visually to invoke the possibilities of the past and future.

Primer *** (2004) Really fascinating and disturbing movie. I was left with two distinct feelings at the end: I was moved, and yet I didn't know what the fuck had happened. Here's some guy's understanding of the timeline of the movie, which considers both on-screen action and off-screen events that influence the plot.

The Science of Sleep *** (2006) – an imaginative romp and a pretty film to look at, with pretty leads (Gael Garcia Bernal and Charlotte Gainsbourg) to boot, but ultimately a film more memorable for its crafty visual effects than the somnambulant solipsism of its story.

Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home *** (2006) The members of the Enterprise prevent the destruction of Earth by going back in time to save the humpback whales. Campy hilarity ensues.

Quinceañera *** (2006) A 15 year old Latina and her family deal with a mysterious pregnancy and the struggle to live amid the gentrification in their LA neighborhood. Good performances and a promising story, but the narrative could have used some significant changes. Jesse Garcia and Emily Rios in Quinceañera

Shortbus **1/2 (2006) - both better than I expected it to be, and not as good as I wanted it to be. Lots of sex – woot! Pretentious people – woot! A couple of the subplots are interesting and realistically portrayed, but this is a pretty disappointing follow-up to Hedwig.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer ** (1992) - the original movie that spawned the far superior TV show. The premise, of course, is fantastic: an airhead cheerleader at a Los Angeles high school learns her destiny as the Vampire Slayer. The execution, however, save for bits of campy goodness, stinks. How in sam hell did they get Donald Sutherland to be in this piece of shit movie?

Singles **1/2 (1992) – I'd never seen it before, if you can believe it. It was not as good as I thought it would be, and I don't have an explanation as to why I thought it'd be good. Campbell Scott is always good. Matt Dillon was pretty good. I kind of wished that Bridget Fonda's character had been played by Parker Posey instead; maybe then I'da given the flick three whole stars.

Love and Death **1/2 (1975) – by far not my favorite Woody Allen movie. (Can you tell I'm kind of tired of writing reviews now?)

Dead Silence * (2007) – you can't ask for much from a possessed dummy movie, though it was great fun watching it with a group of ornery folks while DJ pointed out the holes in the plot.

"Beware the stare of Mary Shaw, she has no children, only dolls," the inane refrain refrains.

Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan ** (2006) – for a good summary of my thoughts, see a review of this overrated piece of crap.

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier * The one with the super-cheesy "God"-creature floating around in the deepest reaches of space, beyond the "Great Barrier." This is where my commitment to the Star Trek movies ends.

The Playlist

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In which I talk about the new (which is sometimes quite old) music in my life!

Sloan: Never Hear the End of It **** (2006)

I've been totally obsessed with this album for months, with its 30 songs worth of catchy, rollicking good tunes. All four band members (Chris Murphy, Jay Ferguson, Patrick Pentland, and Andrew Scott) contributed tracks, each with his unique flavor. With this record, Sloan runs the gamut from memorable Beatlesesque ditties to moody, airy tracks álà Grandaddy, and never loses their particular combo-punch of clever indie plus good old fashioned guitar crunch rock 'n' roll. What's best about this album is that the tuneful ballads, blasts of hard core, and quirky psychedelia all flow together beautifully with seamless track mixing and careful balancing of each of the songwriter's numbers.

The Mountain Goats: Get Lonely **** (2006) – I would say of the two Mountain Goats albums I acquired in 2007, Get Lonely just slightly edges out The Sunset Tree, with its subtle, small songs about love lost and losing yourself in the face of it. Several of the songs on the album make me cry routinely, like this one:



The Mountain Goats: The Sunset Tree **** (2005) – Like all of John Darnielle's lyrics, these are utterly earnest without losing their affecting emotionality. "This Year" might be one of my top 5 favorite songs of all time.

The Kinks: The Kinks Are the Village Green Preservation Society **** (1968)

- an album I've been meaning to get for a few years now, as it's been referred to as influential to some acts I really like (Belle and Sebastian and Elliott Smith to name a couple.) Underrated and subdued, it's not the proto- punk of "You Really Got Me" but the reflective nostalgia of the Kink's middle period, with an oft-debated reverence/ironic sarcasm toward simpler times that may or may not have ever existed.

Chumbawamba: Shhh! ***½ (1992) – For the folks out there who have never heard any Chumbawamba besides the dangerously catchy/annoying 1997 single "Tubthumping", it's worth checking out this earlier release which captures more of the spirit of the band.

Despite "Tubthumping's" massive commercial success, the band of lefty anarcho-punk d.i.y.ers, needless to say, have a range and stylings that are much broader and more interesting (i.e. punk, pop, folk, labor songs, dub, hip hop, gospel) showcased playfully on this ode against artist censorship.

King Crimson: In the Court of the Crimson King – An Observation by King Crimson (1969) ***



- I have a passing interest in prog rock, and more than a passing interest in the sociomusical influence of prog on newer forms of music and on pop culture. I'm fascinated, for example, with the prog rock family tree that so many major bands in the '70s and '80s have been connected to. Greg Lake, for example, was one of the original members of King Crimson, and then went on to form Emerson, Lake & Palmer, and then played with the prog supergroup Asia. Anyway, yeah, I'm a rock triv dork.

So this album, the first effort from King Crimson's off and on career that spans nearly 40-years, is considered one of the first progressive albums and possibly the first symphonic rock album, and is a mélange of jazz improv, classical, and acid rock. It's really more a bridge between the Beatles' Mystery Tour era and the later music which would become the "true" prog rock, including many of their own later releases. Track four, "Moonchild Including the Dream and the Illusion," bears more resemblance to experimental jazz than the sweeping tempo changes and rhythmic juxtapositions of progressive rock. Taken out of its natural habitat, a marijuana smoke-filled basement in 1970, say, it's more novelty amusement than epiphany-inducing. Yet the subtle classically-inspired guitar string manipulations and the peaceful encroachment of the mellotron become quite captivating by this point in the album. This early record is not on the whole a good match to my personal musical tastes, but I think I'll be giving King Crimson's later work a go at some point, particularly the Adrian Belew era that has more new wave/Talking-Headsy/proto-electronic stylings.

Billy Bragg: Talking with the Taxman about Poetry *** (1986)

- Billy Bragg's third album represents a shift toward more singable folk-pop, with all the lefty political spirit still intact. In fact, even as he has moved on to much more generously produced music, he's never compromised the politics, the homage to the labor movement, and the grit of his early days. Check out "Greetings to the New Brunette," the standout (and most accessible) track, for a taste of Billy's brand of spirited folksy-rocky-political-

love song. If you want to start with something a bit more contemporary than this often straight-up leftist fight song collection, check out his later release with Wilco, Mermaid Avenue, for which the songsmith was hired by the estate of Woody Guthrie to put the legendary folkie's unpublished manuscripts to music. The results are gorgeous.

Live Shows

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Mountain Goats at The Independent 3/7 ***** - Darnielle conveys so much spirit and joy, even when he's singing the most heartbreaking songs. I think if I were a rock star, this is what I'd aspire to: writing songs with meaning; performing them with utmost relish; being low-key enough to publish my photos on flickr.

Sunset Rubdown at The Independent 10/21 ***** - showing up on time really improves the concert experience. One of the best live shows I've ever seen, and this with lead brainchild Spencer Krug feeling a bit under the weather.



The chaotic sound scrapes, evocative vocals, and Spencer's sweat dripping onto the keyboard: concert-going bliss.

Photo of Spencer at the show compliments of The Undertoad.

Sloan at the Independent 4/30 ***1/2 - this would've been a four-star review, 'cause Sloan is always fantastic in concert, but this time they made the audience squirm through about a half-dozen songs with Andrew on lead vocals, and while the guy is a great drummer and a competent songwriter…HE. CANNOT. SING. The songs he wrote and performed on Never Hear the End of It are catchy and short, and his voice in-studio is mixed down enough that it can actually sound decent. Live, he can't keep a tune, really. So anyway, minus Andrew's songs, Sloan rocked the fuck out at the Independent.

They Might Be Giants at The Fillmore 9/30 **** I blogged about this show here.

Indigo Girls at the Power to the Peaceful concert, Golden Gate Park 9/8 ***½



Photo of Indigo Girls compliments of indigospike.

- Back in the day, I was the 1991 cliché of a dyke. I wore tie dyed shirts and Birkenstocks, couldn't go a day without wearing the freedom rings, and listened to the Indigo Girls obsessively. I hadn't seen them live in many years, and it took Iris visiting from Guatemala to get me to go this time around. Her sister-in-law is a complete Indigo Girls freak, and staked out her territory, stage side, starting at 6:00 am that day (loathe to be the random dreadlocked girl to step onto Shirley's tarp!) Sporting proper amounts of hipper-than-thou irony, Iris and I descended into the sage-clouded crowd and ended up pretty blown away. Emily and Amy still know how to fucking rock. Their performance of the Buffy Sainte-Marie cover, "Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee" was as moving this time around, maybe more so, than when I saw them perform it more than a decade ago.

Pinback at Bimbo's 10/27 *** - the band wasn't in top form this time 'round – Zach's voice was just off, cracking like a 13 year old boy's. His guitar playing, as usual, was sublime. Rob held his own, and the instrumentation was trance-inducing, in a really good way.

Sunset Rubdown at the Bottom of the Hill (no rating) 4/22 – this one barely counts, ‘cause Astrid, DJ, and I got there so late we only got to see three songs. They were opening for a really pretentious noise band called Xiu Xiu. Thank god we got to see 'em again later in the year.

On to my 2008 Wrap. Erm, I mean my thesis…

xxoo
Bree