Viva Ambivalence!

The blog formerly known as Ambivalent Fat Girl is in process of a friendly merger with Toothpick Labeling. Apologies to all who follow me on RSS feeds or aggregators or whatever the heck those are, because you're probably about to see that I've updated the blog about thirty times. I'm actually incorporating all the AFG entries here at T-Lab for two reasons I'm rather satisfied with:

1. I feel weird about compartmentalizing my blog topics, as if health, food, and fatness issues shouldn't be mentioned in the primary blog where I'm sharing my personal narrative.

2. I've got too fricking many blogs, and I need to downsize. Since AFG & T-Lab are published under the same blognonymous moniker, it's easy enough to merge them. And I haven't been posting much at AFG anyway.

If you'd like to read any archived Ambivalent Fat Girl entries, just click on AFG in the label cloud to your right. I should have all the backdated posts up and running here pretty soon.

Enjoy!
Bree

Spaceship

I dreamt that a huge spaceship, not unlike the mothership in District 9, was hovering over the cityscape. I felt excited and terrified beyond measure: would the aliens invade? Would they be friendly? I had the vivid feeling that everything that I knew was about to change dramatically.

Aside from the take-home message that marketing works (see the bus shelter posters, the write-ups in EW, the constant buzz in the blogo-twitter-facebooksphere) the dream perfectly captured that threshold between the amazing possibility and terror I'm feeling as I start my private therapy practice. My life is going to be altered in ways I can't quite imagine.

Keys

Had a dream that my old friend Ives, who I haven't been in contact with for years, created a mechanical gadget that he wanted to show me. I don't remember the purpose of the thing, but it managed to distract my attention from a pile of valuable possessions of mine. When I got back to my stuff, it had been messed with, but nothing material was stolen. I found the key to my apartment and the key to my new office bent and unusable.

I just received the key to the office from my supervisor a few days ago. When I left the office, I'd had a momentary pang of anxiety because I hadn't checked it on the door to make sure it worked. The dream emphasized this fear. It's as if I feel like I don't belong in either my home or my profession. Or I'm distracted by shiny things, by connections to the past, and not tending to my life and work. This isn't entirely true of course, but it's the feeling I was left with.

Blue, Part Two

Today's been difficult, a confluence of sadness and irritation, plummeting self-confidence and escalating fear. I've felt insecure with Astrid, who for her part has been cranky with me since yesterday, ornery 'cause she feels like she has no space and time for herself, especially since her summer work schedule has been so hellish. I've in turn been pouty and needy and self-involved to the nth. We had planned to go to a queer tango event, and at the last minute I said I felt ambivalent about going. And I was ambivalent, am almost always ambivalent about going dancing, because it touches so many tender spots for me: it makes me feel clumsy, self-conscious of my body and doubtful of my capacity to learn new things, to be open to change, to be open to what Astrid needs. I want to be able to shut off my symbolic thinking, focus on the moment, the dancing, the feeling of being in Astrid's arms as she leads me on the floor, but every misstep, every blunder feels like failure, feels like I'm not good enough, I'll never be good enough.

And then I get even more angry at myself and withdrawn, because I've heard this all before. This internal monologue of punishment is so fucking old and tired and old and old and old. And then I remember that this is exactly what I'm not supposed to do, what I tell my therapy clients all the time: feel your feelings of sadness, of fear, but don't pile self-hatred on top of it. Be kind to yourself. Feeling fear, feeling grief, is okay. It's not going to disintegrate you. Neediness is not going to drive your lover away. Be gentle to yourself. Be curious about your feelings. Breathe.

Too many good byes of late, and too much imminent uncertainty. P.'s death just two weeks ago, still reeling internally from ending my two years at the clinic, saying good-bye to my supervisor and to my colleagues. And I'm mourning my changing relationship with Minoba, and missing her. It's all weighing heavily. And then there's this craziness of starting my own therapy practice. Who the fuck is gonna pay me $90 to listen to them for fifty minutes, for christ's sake?

I did end up tangoing today. I'm glad I did, though it wasn't free from the above anxiety and sadness. I had fun; I always enjoy it more than I think I will going into it. And Astrid was glad I came, I guess. She said so, anyway, and she's good on her word. Just wish I believed it today.