Malaise

I feel a familiar setting in of the doldrums which hasn't visited me in a long time. The weather isn't helping (cold, wet, icky. It's fucking May, okay, weather?) Now that the funeral is over, there is less chaos and tension, but there is still a faint sadness permeating everything. I picked up my studying yesterday for the first time in two weeks, but in class, I felt removed, wondering why I was even there, wondering what good it does for people to be trained as psychotherapists, when we can't control the fucked up things that happen to people.

I dreamed about Andrew last night. I was with a bunch of people, and we were lost on our way home, as if we'd never been there before. I don't know which "home" it was supposed to be, but it was apparently somewhere between Los Gatos and San Jose, and off the Monterey Highway (where the cemetery is), and there was a beach. A beautiful beach, mind you, but a dirty, rocky beach, not a smooth sandy one. Mom was there, and Andrew was sitting by her. We all acknowledged that the problem was that he was misunderstood somehow, and Andrew, with relief in his voice, said, "Yeah, THAT'S the issue!"