Ambivalent about Ambivalence

It's been about, well, pretty much exactly, a year since I started this blog (among the proliferation of blogs I feel somehow compelled to maintain). I've only written about 20 entries, though, and I'm wondering if I'll continue to be vigilant and brave enough to keep this one up. I'm toying with the idea of re-posting my AFG entries over at Toothpick Labeling and just making the weight/health issue part of the umbrella of that main blog. There's a way in which it feels kind of compartmentalized over here by its lonesome, and I fear that my physical health is already over-compartmentalized in reality; it doesn't serve me to virtually wall it off as well. On the other hand, giving the subject of my weight, the state of my diet and exercise, and the emotional issues all tied up therein, its own forum, free from the clutter of other obsessions (relationships, trivial nonsense, the daily grind, et al) may be only proper for allowing myself the space to explore the space I take up.

All this to say, I haven't written anything here since Thanksgiving, and now it's fucking March, 2009, and I weigh about 6-7 pounds more than I did this time last year when I started this thing and declared that I wanted to lose a bit of weight. What has happened in the last year?

- I started this blog, in an effort to become more mindful about this topic in my life.

- I joined a gym and got into a fairly regular exercise regimen for, say, about three months. Guess what: the last time I went to the gym and the last time I blogged here were roughly the same day, marked by the annual turkey feast of gluttony.

- I've been biking way less than I was, when compared with my biking of two to three years ago. This mostly owes to the changes in my daily schedule that were brought on by being in grad school, and then my internship starting, and then my grad program transferring to a very un-bike-friendly location, and then three out of the last six months being both unemployed (read: unmotivated and depressed) and kind of soggy outside. And, oh, my bike broke and I went about a month to two months without one.

- my patellofemoral syndrome is really acting up lately, and my whole body feels out of whack. (In addition my my left knee, I'm feeling chronic dull discomfort in my left hip, lower back aches, neck stiffness, and occasional tingling in my right shoulder/arm which seem to be related to the back and neck tightness.) All these physical ills would improve with more exercise, even if I don't lose any weight.

- Less work = less money, which means I can't go to a chiropractor for the above issues.

- Less money theoretically should mean an upturn toward healthier eating, since Astrid and I have been cooking at home more. And we got gifted six months of the organic box delivery, so we've had a load of fresh veggies in the house, too. The other piece of this is that Astrid went vegetarian in July, so we've been cooking way less meat in the house, though I still do when I'm on my own for some meals. I don't know if the net impact of all this is that I'm eating better or not. The jury's still out.

So it hasn't all been bad, it's just been a lot to handle emotionally in the last year, and eating too much is my big coping mechanism, so there you go. Hmm...that makes me think that keeping this blog alive for a while may yet help me, in that I can always shoot out a quick entry instead of grabbing the chips and salsa.

Anyway, guess I'll keep AFG around. There are a number of topics I'm tossing around for possible future entries; I just have to motivate myself. We'll see how it goes.

Thanks for reading...if you're still out there!