Click here for the legend, which will open in a new window.
Jump back to Part One
1992. Drama factor: 4. Notes: After many months of sexual tension, Casey and I finally started dating. In the interim, I was still burning a candle for Iris, and had hooked up with Ube's UCLA housemate at some Jewish student retreat. I had the opportunity to see her again after Casey and I had gone GF. I was straightforward with Casey, but she wasn't happy about it. After I moved to Santa Cruz that fall, Casey and I both became involved with other people, she with a guy friend of hers and me with Lola, who would become my first really long-term partner. We discussed both our other involvements with much maturity, and at that point, even though I was open to our relationship continuing, Casey read this moment as our break up. At least, that's how I think it went (Casey – any feedback from your side of the table?) High point: those magical, unforgettable hugs. Low point: showing up to meet Casey with a fresh Lola hickey on my neck. At my eldest nephew's bar mitzvah. Real classy, Bree.
1992-1994. Drama factor: 7. Notes: Lola and I were together for two years, and during that time, I was always clear about wanting to be open. She was willing to negotiate, but it wasn't ever something she was into, and so I remained nonmonogamous mostly in my fantasies. I still had the Energy with Iris, and became really smitten with my friend A. who lived in Tucson and wrote the most intellectually juicy letters, but I didn't discuss these emotional involvements with Lola. Somehow I was able to talk openly with her about my crush on my friend G., maybe because my feelings for men have always been less serious and therefore seemingly less threatening to my primary relationships. G. and I had made out at a party early on in my relationship with Lola, before we were calling ourselves girlfriends, and I didn't reveal that. I ended up smooching a casual friend, and Lola wasn't thrilled, but we discussed it at least. Then toward the end of our relationship, Lola and I both kissed our mutual friend Spider unbeknownst to each other! I think I may not have known that Spider and Lola kissed until years later. So somehow the nonmonogamy was not working properly in that relationship, even though I was constantly preoccupied with it. High point: a lot of great communication, despite my intermittent tendencies toward repression. Low point: oh, that breakup really stung. It was awful for us both.
1994-early '95. Drama factor: 4. Notes: Dani and I dated but were never SO's, which I think accounts for some of why the nonmonogamy went smoother than many relationships before and after. We were also both oriented toward being open, and this was a first time for me, dating someone else as slutty as I was. The drama wasn't about the negotiations re: nonmonogamy, but about my push-pull with intimacy. Fresh from the breakup with Lola and wanting to be a free agent (not to mention I was kind of insane at this time in my life) I wasn't willing to be very present with Dani, even though I cared about her a lot. I had a passionate evening with A. (the letter-writer from Tucson), and got to fuck Iris again for the first time in years, and had a one-night fling with Kym, a friend from school. All were talked about freely with Dani (and with my other lovers). When I started to become involved with Bianca, Dani knew it was the death knell for us, and the drama spiked. High point: most above-board nonmonogamy yet. Low point: hurting Dani and the resulting awkwardness at work. Yes, we were co-workers. Can't say it was the last time for that nonsense…Jump to back to Part One
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5 comments:
I'm really, really trying to follow along, but I don't see a dotted red line on the legend. Please advise.
Heh! Thanks for tryin!
A dashed line of any color means a crush or some sort of continued sexual energy, but no physical contact during the span of that particular chart. A red dashed line means it's a crush I wasn't revealing to my primary partner. A green dashed line means my partner knew about the crush. Does that make sense?
Oh my god, I'm such a fucking self-involved dweeb!
Yes, that's exactly what I was thinking. That Bree is such a fucking self-involved dweeb.
I have to take issue with the dotted red line. Sort of smacks of the whole "sin of thought" phenomena. Perhaps that's why it's not on the legend? I mean, geez, if I outed myself on every illicit crush I'd ever had, I'd look (and feel) pretty bad. Maybe you should let yourself off the hook for those, eh?
I see your point, Jul. Yeah, I don't feel continued guilt over red dotted lines. And to be sure, I didn't include every single crush, illicit or otherwise, that I had during all these relationships (if I had, the charts would be illegible, since I'm always and forever crushed out on five to ten people). But I included particular illicit crushes, like Iris, for example, who appears on multiple charts and I ended up dating seriously again after many years of continued/intermittent sexual energy, because she's a major player in my life, and I wanted to show the continued presence she has had.
Anyway, you are right - I think it is impossible not to have some secrets when you're in a relationship. It is an interesting topic, though. As it stands for me now, Astrid is aware of probably 90-100% of my crushes at any given time. I don't usually talk about a crush until it becomes "noteworthy" in some way. Noteworhiness is not necessarily related to whether I have intentions to pursue the person - it may just be that I've met someone, I think they're cute, and then after a certain number of interactions, I realize it's a lingering crush, and that's when I'll usually mention it to Astrid. All people in nonmonogamous or polyamorous relationships have different rules of thumb for stuff like this. And indeed, people in monogamous relationships have different ways of handling this too. Do you and K. talk about crushes, or is it sort of "don't ask don't tell" or is it sort of case-by-case basis? I'm curious!
Not sure how other people are in their monogamous relationships, but in ours, it's definitely don't ask, don't tell. I'm nowhere near secure enough to handle a polyamorous relationship, and I realized at some point that I really don't want to know when he has those kinds of feelings for others. It just wreaks havoc on my insecurities and abandonment issues from my dad.
I've only had one big crush since we've been married (that I gushed to my girlfriends about), and I think it really spiced up my sex life with my husband for a while. I honestly don't think it would have had that same positive effect had I told my hubby about the crush. But that's more a function of my husband's personality - it really bothers him to think of me being with or having had feelings for other men. So in our relationship, I think it's totally healthy if we develop crushes on others, but we both prefer to not be explicit to one another about them.
And frankly, if he acted on it (which I'd like to think that he hasn't and never will), I'm not sure that I would want to know either. Unless it directly affected me (i.e. he fell in love and wanted a divorce, or gave me an STD, or missed out on family time to be with someone else, or our sex life suffered), I think ignorance really would be bliss. Obviously, I would prefer if he never strayed, but if he did, I hope I would never find out. Maybe I'll change my mind about that later, but that's how I feel today.
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