Red to Green, Part Four (of Four)

…in which Bree's sex life gets much more sane and we wrap this thing up.

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2005-2006. Drama factor: 2 (mostly the fun kind!) Astrid and I met in '05 and became casual but intentional lovers. Both of us continued and began sexual connections with other partners during this first year we were dating. Astrid was involved with Kiley, Jesse, and Bren when I met her, and I had a few casual hook-ups with my friend Rita and with a random woman I met on Craigslist. I imagined Astrid to be sleeping with, like, "everyone," and I'm not sure why I harbored this fantasy. Probably 'cause I found her to be so unbefuckinglievably desirable, and couldn't figure out what she was doing with lil old me in these first few months. I was pretty fresh off of my break up with N., and feeling shaky about what I had to offer, as well as emotionally raw. But as I healed and got some equilibrium, and as Astrid and I grew more intimate, I felt much more confidence and really hit a stride with my polyosity. Astrid dated Cian in the fall, and Dax and I met around that same time and fell into a yummy, loving dating relationship. Though this was hard to navigate at times, I felt really good about being able to express my feelings with each of them and I was even able to balance my time in a sane way (read: this was before I started grad school!) So, for several months, I was dating both Dax and Astrid, as A and I gradually became more committed to each other, in as open and unconventional a way as we could. Eventually, Dax fell in love with her new partners, Boi & Boy, and she decided to become polyfidelitous with them. High point: Sexual freedom, developing intimacy with both Astrid and Dax, and authentic and honest sexual connections with shorter-term partners. Low point: Figuring out how to facilitate as safe a space as possible for both Astrid and Dax to be in my life in their different roles. I can't say that I handled this as elegantly as I should have, but this was nowhere near the totally unethical ways I handled nonmonogamy in past relationships (See the Bianca Bramble, ten years previous.)

Drama factor: 1. In '06 and '07, things calmed down as Astrid and I navigated changes in our relationship. In '06 we became girlfriends and I started grad school, and we began living together in '07. I smooched a couple women (a make-out at the Lex and subsequent awkward date; a kiss with my coworker Shareen on the eve of her return to living in the Midwest.) So, nothing too involved. I'm not 100% sure, but I don't think Astrid had any action going on during this period either. My crushes on various people flourished during this time (some of you know who you are). High point: Being with Astrid just fucking rocks. Low point: Not really a "low" point, but it can be difficult to negotiate my desire for being with multiple people even if I'm not actively involved with anyone other than my partner. Sometimes I'm perfectly content, sometimes I feel angsty, and there are a whole range of other associated feelings at any given time. Mostly, I was just really happy in my primary relationship and very busy with school.

2007-2008. Drama factor: 3. No other involvements for either of us throughout 2007, and then toward the end of '08, Astrid and I had a visit from an old lover of hers, Elle, which provided a really complex and beautiful experience for us to navigate together. Then not long after that, I hung out with a friend of mine on whom I've had the hots for a long while, the beautiful and bawdy Calista. We had a few drinks at various local haunts, and then, once she figured out I was attempting to make a pass (I'm really not subtle, and neither is she, thankfully) she reeled me in for a lusty little kiss on the corner of 24th and Mission. She put the kabosh on anything more happening, due to her own relationship concerns, but I will go on record as saying "Mee-ow!" Both because of the specific interaction with Calista, and the more general state of my polyness and not having had another involvement outside Astrid and I in a couple years, it felt really vibrant and alive to be able to play with that sort of energy with another person again. It was fun stuff. More please! Anyone? Bueller?

Fin

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Red to Green, Part Three (of Four)

…in which Bree's sex life gets even dodgier.

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1995-'96. Drama factor: 10! Notes: Oh, lord, where to begin? Well, you've read the overview of the situation already. I'll describe the players and the context in a semi-systematic way:

Center branch: Bianca was my lover for about 1 ½ - 2 years. Bianca was living with her partner Bella for about 4 years at the time we met. The three of us negotiated my involvement with Bianca, so the connection between us is green. Over time, however, as Bianca and I got more emotionally involved, Bella's consent eroded, yet the relationship persisted. I'm not proud of this, and I gather Bianca isn't either.

The early period, counter-clockwise from top: Elsie and I had a sweet fling in the spring/summer of '95, til she went off to be a garden monk at a nearby zen center. Bianca was apprised of this, whether she liked it or not. I also had the opportunity to sleep with Lola and Iris again at various times during my involvement with Bianca, and these were legit and openly discussed. Note that Lola and Iris, having met through me, were dating at one point previous to this period, which I found revolting.

Throughout my time with Bianca, she continued to burn a torch for her erstwhile lover, C., who she had rare opportunities to be with during our run. This was a major source of tension between Bianca and Bella, but I was so very enthralled with Bianca's flair for drama and always keen to hear stories about her Great Love C. Meanwhile, Bella had a lover for a spell, Edward, whose presence kind of relaxed the stress between Bella and me and provided a bit of freedom for Bianca and I to spend some time together during the mid-point of our affair.

Later on in the relationship, as Bianca and I became more emotionally enmeshed and Bella became less okay with our affair, my other involvements went underground. I was fucking our mutual friend Pookie, who also worked at the Org, and that was a direct affront to Bianca; in fact, very unfairly to Pookie, I consciously used her as a wedge to put some distance between me and Bianca. Meanwhile, Pookie had also fucked both my exes, Lola and Iris. We were all such class acts, right? I also slept with a sweetly nerdy boy, Jarek, made out with a new friend Kate, and then had a couple-week fling with yet another co-worker, Irene. Of those involvements, I managed to come clean about the boy, but I outright lied to Bianca about Irene, which put the final nail in the coffin. During this late period, Bella had a clandestine affair with her friend Hank as well, so Bianca was getting grief on all sides. Not that she was the innocent in the situation; after all, she had continued her affair with me long after Bella had clearly stated it was no longer okay. High point: Bianca and I had the most indescribably hot sexual rapport. Low point: it should just never get this low.

1997-'98. Drama factor: 2. Notes: When Bianca and I were finally done with all that, and Iris moved back to Santa Cruz from points East and North, we made another go at being girlfriends, this time for about two years. We always maintained an open agreement, but neither of us really put it into practice – I think we were both sufficiently worn down from all the previous turmoil. We once took my friend Kate (see the Bianca Bramble) to bed with us, which was fun and low-key. I always nursed a handful of crushes, but nothing materialized. Then, toward the end of our relationship, after it was clear things weren't going to work out long-term for us, Iris became involved with Shannon, a local dyke-about-town. We broke up within a month or so. High point: my first really adult relationship, and sharing our lives together. Low point: we were both pretty bored.

* * *

I then entered a beautiful (and rare, for me) period of being single. No chart here, but honorable mentions to Callie, Kate (again) and the random playmates who passed through my life in the fair annum of 1999, the year I finally quit the Peace Org, road tripped across the country, and landed the very unstressful jobs of making sandwiches and scrubbing down hot tubs.

* * *

2000-2004. Drama factor: 3. Notes: As you can see, structurally, my relationship with Nat was almost a mirror image of my relationship with Iris, as far as nonmonogamy goes, even down to the three-way, this time with a random Craigslist hookup. I was adamant that I wanted to make nonmonogamy happen this time in a mature way, but I was still restrained. Natasha had had a very bad pseudo-polyamorous bramble of her own with her ex-husband, just previous to our relationship. Internally, I had my own unresolved emotional issues and guilt, and fears about hurting Nat in the shadow of her situation with her ex. So I stalled on it for a long five years. My most persistent crush at the time, Rita, became fuel for some low-level drama between Nat and I, but really nonmonogamy was one of the big elephants in the room for the entire course of our relationship. High point: hands-down the most mature relationship I'd been in to that point. Low point: we were both repressing what we really needed.

One more installment, kids…

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Red to Green, Part Two (of Four)

…in which Bree's follies continue.

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1992. Drama factor: 4. Notes: After many months of sexual tension, Casey and I finally started dating. In the interim, I was still burning a candle for Iris, and had hooked up with Ube's UCLA housemate at some Jewish student retreat. I had the opportunity to see her again after Casey and I had gone GF. I was straightforward with Casey, but she wasn't happy about it. After I moved to Santa Cruz that fall, Casey and I both became involved with other people, she with a guy friend of hers and me with Lola, who would become my first really long-term partner. We discussed both our other involvements with much maturity, and at that point, even though I was open to our relationship continuing, Casey read this moment as our break up. At least, that's how I think it went (Casey – any feedback from your side of the table?) High point: those magical, unforgettable hugs. Low point: showing up to meet Casey with a fresh Lola hickey on my neck. At my eldest nephew's bar mitzvah. Real classy, Bree.

1992-1994. Drama factor: 7. Notes: Lola and I were together for two years, and during that time, I was always clear about wanting to be open. She was willing to negotiate, but it wasn't ever something she was into, and so I remained nonmonogamous mostly in my fantasies. I still had the Energy with Iris, and became really smitten with my friend A. who lived in Tucson and wrote the most intellectually juicy letters, but I didn't discuss these emotional involvements with Lola. Somehow I was able to talk openly with her about my crush on my friend G., maybe because my feelings for men have always been less serious and therefore seemingly less threatening to my primary relationships. G. and I had made out at a party early on in my relationship with Lola, before we were calling ourselves girlfriends, and I didn't reveal that. I ended up smooching a casual friend, and Lola wasn't thrilled, but we discussed it at least. Then toward the end of our relationship, Lola and I both kissed our mutual friend Spider unbeknownst to each other! I think I may not have known that Spider and Lola kissed until years later. So somehow the nonmonogamy was not working properly in that relationship, even though I was constantly preoccupied with it. High point: a lot of great communication, despite my intermittent tendencies toward repression. Low point: oh, that breakup really stung. It was awful for us both.

1994-early '95. Drama factor: 4. Notes: Dani and I dated but were never SO's, which I think accounts for some of why the nonmonogamy went smoother than many relationships before and after. We were also both oriented toward being open, and this was a first time for me, dating someone else as slutty as I was. The drama wasn't about the negotiations re: nonmonogamy, but about my push-pull with intimacy. Fresh from the breakup with Lola and wanting to be a free agent (not to mention I was kind of insane at this time in my life) I wasn't willing to be very present with Dani, even though I cared about her a lot. I had a passionate evening with A. (the letter-writer from Tucson), and got to fuck Iris again for the first time in years, and had a one-night fling with Kym, a friend from school. All were talked about freely with Dani (and with my other lovers). When I started to become involved with Bianca, Dani knew it was the death knell for us, and the drama spiked. High point: most above-board nonmonogamy yet. Low point: hurting Dani and the resulting awkwardness at work. Yes, we were co-workers. Can't say it was the last time for that nonsense…

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Red Turns to Green, Eventually (or) The Map of Bree's Kooky Sex Life, Part One (of Four)

Recently, two events in the Facebook universe have inspired me to do some navel-gazing (even more than the usual level, if it can be imagined) about my relationship to relationshipping. The first was the unexpected communication from Bianca, which you read about in a recent entry. The second was the mistake (or maybe it was a fruitful misstep) of accepting my aunt Rhoda's friend invitation, knowing she was going to make some sort of intrusive comment about my open relationship status on my profile. As predicted, the very first message I get from her on Facebook (thank god she didn't post it on my wall!) is simply:

Title of message: "O.R., hmmm..."
Body of message: "Dangerous territory."

When I responded with a quip that being in an open relationship is better than relationship stagnation, she didn't register the joke (pointing not so subtlety in her direction) and proceeded to claim vast knowledge on this issue from "personal experience" and to grill me about whether Astrid and I are in therapy.

Now, I know that Rhoda is just concerned about me, and granted, she's doing it in a hip, been-there-done-that kinda bohemian artiste way, and not in a prunesy old spinster aunt haven't-had-nothin'-near-my-twat-since-the-Ford-administration way, but the message couldn't be clearer: you don't know what you're doing, and this is wrong.

* * *

This frustrating exchange with Rhoda paired with the more positive (but still quite emotionally provoking) communication I had with Bianca conjured up a lot of rumination for me about my relationship history, and just how far back polyamory goes in my life. While it may be new information to Aunt Rhoda, I've been in some form of nonmonogamous situation in all my significant relationships since the first time I kissed Scarlett back in 1991, when I was all of 19 years old. Of course, I cannot boast the cleanest, most conscientious record devoid of any moral ambiguity or outright impropriety for these last eighteen years; nevertheless, on contemplating this history—and geekily applying it to eleven color-coded charts—I realize that the improprieties began to melt away with the years of experience. I don't have it all figured out by any means, but I (now, at least) know how to be honest with my partners and my lovers, and honor my own desire for more loving connections (or just playfully sexy ones) in my life.

So, over the course of several entries, I'll be guiding you through the sometimes naïve, often messy, and always amusing history of my poly love life, as seen in two-dimensional line-drawn splendor!





* * *


1991. Top row: Me, Scarlett, her husband Norbert; bottom row: Scarlett's other lover D., and his girlfriend R. Drama factor (scale of 1 to 10) 6.5. Notes: As far as I knew, Norbert was vaguely aware that Scarlett had other lovers, but it wasn't go-go-go polyamory. Meanwhile, D., Scarlett's other lover, happened to be my boss at the hippy-dippy café where I worked, and his short-term girlfriend during this hot mess was Scarlett's lifelong best friend. High point: Scarlett literally made my knees weak. Low point: bless her, but she was such a tease.

1992. Top row: Me, Iris; bottom row: a one-night stand crush of mine named Ria, and the multitude of her minions. Drama factor: 2. Notes: Iris and I were each other's first official girlfriends, and this first incarnation of our romantic relationship lasted all of two months. While Iris was away for the holidays, I slept with Ria, who was Mrs. C's housemate. I had somehow thought this was okay with Iris, on account of having discussed nonmonogamy with her, but years later, I found out talking about the issue abstractly did not constitute consent in her eyes. Go figure! Thankfully, our relationship as friends survived the indiscretion. High point: Ria was just plain hot. Low point: This might be the only time I've really "cheated" on someone.

Jump to Part Two
Jump to Part Three
Jump to Part Four