Draft Number Two is in my professor's hands. Thank fucking god. It's not as complete as I'd hoped it would be, but I feel like, just in the last couple days, I finally broke through the crushing weight of anxiety and got my writing groove back. After days and days of sitting at my computer, not producing anything at all, just editing and moving paragraphs around and feeling overwhelmed, I finally pushed through, finished my lit review, and began working on the actual thesis concepts. I have a fair amount more work to do to get to the final draft (due in about 4 weeks) but I'm not nearly as freaked out now. I've tasted what it's like to put forward my own ideas, and it's not as scary as I thought it was gonna be.
A very heartfelt thank you to a few people who lent support and inspiration in the final hours of the draft. First and foremost thanks to Ms. Astrid, who has loved me unwaveringly even though I've been a fucking wreck for weeks. Thank you to astro-b, DJ, and my family for letting me vent. And a very special nod to Mag, Dax, Ms. Crankypants, and The Undertoad for the last minute words of advice on the thesis writing process. Totally invaluable inspiration: thank you.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Monday, June 16, 2008
Mawwage, Part Two
Phyllis Lyon and Del Martin became the first legally married lesbian couple in San Francisco just about an hour ago. Huzzah! Not only have they been some of the most important activists for LGBT rights in history, these broads have been together for 56 years! Can you imagine being a lesbian in the '50s, with that most complete cultural denial and repression aiming to destroy you and deny your existence, and at the same time, sustaining a relationship for over fifty years? Unbelievable.
Mazel tov to Del and Phyllis!
This is also good: the first gay couple to legally marry in Santa Clara County was
David and Rich Speakman of San Jose.
"The couple is using President Bush's economic stimulus check to pay for their wedding."
"'It paid for everything,' David Speakman said, 'so we should probably send him a thank you note.'"
(quoted from the Merc.)
LMAO!
Mazel tov to Del and Phyllis!
This is also good: the first gay couple to legally marry in Santa Clara County was
David and Rich Speakman of San Jose.
"The couple is using President Bush's economic stimulus check to pay for their wedding."
"'It paid for everything,' David Speakman said, 'so we should probably send him a thank you note.'"
(quoted from the Merc.)
LMAO!
Friday, June 13, 2008
Thesis Anxiety Rant #19
I've been nursing functional anxiety about this paper for months, but I've been fucking freaking out the last two weeks. The complete draft is due in six days. This weekend is the last clear chunk of time I have to produce pages.
I'm a good writer; I know I can do this. That's not the thing. The thing is, I chose to write about my most core emotionally triggering issue: death anxiety as it manifests in intimate relationships. And so whenever I sit down to write, on some deeply unconscious but visceral level, I think of loved ones dying. When Astrid leaves the apartment to go to work, my eyes well up with tears thinking she might get into a car accident. When a sentence finally emerges from my fingertips, I imagine my sister calling me with the news that my mother is dead. That's what the anxiety is about. It's the core of the procrastination, the stop-starts, the binge eating, the grasping at every possible distraction: if I write this paper, I will kill everyone I've ever truly loved.
Okay, that's off my chest. Now I guess I need to write.
I'm a good writer; I know I can do this. That's not the thing. The thing is, I chose to write about my most core emotionally triggering issue: death anxiety as it manifests in intimate relationships. And so whenever I sit down to write, on some deeply unconscious but visceral level, I think of loved ones dying. When Astrid leaves the apartment to go to work, my eyes well up with tears thinking she might get into a car accident. When a sentence finally emerges from my fingertips, I imagine my sister calling me with the news that my mother is dead. That's what the anxiety is about. It's the core of the procrastination, the stop-starts, the binge eating, the grasping at every possible distraction: if I write this paper, I will kill everyone I've ever truly loved.
Okay, that's off my chest. Now I guess I need to write.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Getting Strong Now
Alright, so after a bit of research and much inner-struggle, I decided on the mega-corporate gym down the street, 'cause it was the cheapest membership fee I found (after haggling), and it's the closest gym to my house, which ostensibly provides less of a barrier to my getting there. On taking the tour of the place, I saw a good mix of men and women, a few other fat people, and numerous people of various ages and body shapes that would not be commonly viewed as "gym-bunny"-types. So I felt as comfortable as I possibly could being in such an environment. I've gone twice this week so far, and have actually enjoyed it. And after exercising each day, my body has felt much more relaxed and serene than it usually does when I'm just sitting around.
So far, I really like the recumbent bike. It's a good way to get the heart rate up and work up a good sweat while staying pretty comfortable. No stress on the back, and very little stress on the knees. I also like clocking the miles that I'm biking. It's less intense and less calorie-burning than the elliptical, but I'm finding it's a good starter machine for me. I tried the elliptical for the first time today, and I'm a bit baffled by it right now. I know the swooping leg motions and corresponding arm swinging will make more sense after I get more familiar with it, but it was a bit overwhelming on first try. I also started feeling a great deal of stress in my left calf muscle after only about five minutes on it, so I quit at that point and went back to the recumbent. Then I did some crunches and a bit of weight lifting. I also made sure to do some stretching both before and after the exercise.
My lovely friend G. showed me around the gym today, and introduced me to various workout equipment. That was pretty cool of him to do. It is so intimidating being a fat girl at the gym, and then on top of that, not having any idea how all these machines work. So tip of the hat to G. - thank you for being so supportive!
Just by way of logging what I'm doing at the gym, right now, it's just about 20 minutes of cardio and then as many crunches as I can do (maybe 10) and then 10 reps of very light weight lifting to tone each different arm muscle group. I expect I'll increase all these numbers as I progress, but I'm starting off very easy.
So I'm no longer a gym virgin. Woo-ha!
So far, I really like the recumbent bike. It's a good way to get the heart rate up and work up a good sweat while staying pretty comfortable. No stress on the back, and very little stress on the knees. I also like clocking the miles that I'm biking. It's less intense and less calorie-burning than the elliptical, but I'm finding it's a good starter machine for me. I tried the elliptical for the first time today, and I'm a bit baffled by it right now. I know the swooping leg motions and corresponding arm swinging will make more sense after I get more familiar with it, but it was a bit overwhelming on first try. I also started feeling a great deal of stress in my left calf muscle after only about five minutes on it, so I quit at that point and went back to the recumbent. Then I did some crunches and a bit of weight lifting. I also made sure to do some stretching both before and after the exercise.
My lovely friend G. showed me around the gym today, and introduced me to various workout equipment. That was pretty cool of him to do. It is so intimidating being a fat girl at the gym, and then on top of that, not having any idea how all these machines work. So tip of the hat to G. - thank you for being so supportive!
Just by way of logging what I'm doing at the gym, right now, it's just about 20 minutes of cardio and then as many crunches as I can do (maybe 10) and then 10 reps of very light weight lifting to tone each different arm muscle group. I expect I'll increase all these numbers as I progress, but I'm starting off very easy.
So I'm no longer a gym virgin. Woo-ha!
Thursday, June 05, 2008
Journey To The Bank
This is really old news by blogospheric standards, but does anyone know about Journey's new lead singer, Arnel Pineda?* Founding member and songwriter/guitarist Neal Schon found Pineda singing Journey songs on YouTube with his band in the Philippines, and then after meeting with him and playing a gig with him in Chile, announced the Steve Perry sound-alike as their new frontman. Check out Journey's performance on Ellen from last week:
And that, my friends, is how once-great pop bands of the 70's and 80's strike 21st Century gold.
Now, at my most lenient, I can understand why Journey would be ecstatic about getting a great singer again, a great singer who happens to sound exactly like Steve Perry. They can relive their glory days, play huge venues filled with excited paying guests, and generally feel like big boys again. Yes, and the money. If they'd hired a singer with his own distinctive voice they'd a crashed and burned - who gives a shit about Journey without SP?
Beyond all that, I have to wonder what it's like for Arnel Pineda, who would ne'er have achieved international fame without sounding exactly like SP. I'm famous 'cause I sound like Steve Perry will be running in his internal monologue for the rest of his life. But again, cha-ching. For his part, he seems to be taking it all with a grain of salt, judging by his press statements. I would love to see what Perry has to say about it, but haven't found anything. Though if anybody's interested, there's a great, long interview with Perry and a follow up interview with Neal Schon on GQ which is pretty in depth, as far as popculture reporting goes. Sadly no dish on Pineda by Perry, though. And while I won't buy their new album of 11 "classic" Journey tunes and 11 new tunes recorded with Pineda (really, who gives a shit?) I can't say that hearing the new formation of the band hasn't given me chills. Why would I blog about it otherwise?
____________
*Thanks to ch for the tip.
And that, my friends, is how once-great pop bands of the 70's and 80's strike 21st Century gold.
Now, at my most lenient, I can understand why Journey would be ecstatic about getting a great singer again, a great singer who happens to sound exactly like Steve Perry. They can relive their glory days, play huge venues filled with excited paying guests, and generally feel like big boys again. Yes, and the money. If they'd hired a singer with his own distinctive voice they'd a crashed and burned - who gives a shit about Journey without SP?
Beyond all that, I have to wonder what it's like for Arnel Pineda, who would ne'er have achieved international fame without sounding exactly like SP. I'm famous 'cause I sound like Steve Perry will be running in his internal monologue for the rest of his life. But again, cha-ching. For his part, he seems to be taking it all with a grain of salt, judging by his press statements. I would love to see what Perry has to say about it, but haven't found anything. Though if anybody's interested, there's a great, long interview with Perry and a follow up interview with Neal Schon on GQ which is pretty in depth, as far as popculture reporting goes. Sadly no dish on Pineda by Perry, though. And while I won't buy their new album of 11 "classic" Journey tunes and 11 new tunes recorded with Pineda (really, who gives a shit?) I can't say that hearing the new formation of the band hasn't given me chills. Why would I blog about it otherwise?
____________
*Thanks to ch for the tip.
Monday, June 02, 2008
The Week in Food: The good, the not so good, the awful
After re-committing to the Regimen, I had an excellent week. I ate steel-cut oats and flaxmeal most mornings, ate lots of fresh fruit and veggies, big healthy salads, didn't overeat at all clear through Friday. I walked a lot during the week, too, and felt my gait pick up pace.
Then the family dinner for my birthday in San Jose happened. And I'm a sucker for corned beef, as we all know. But even though I piled on too much of the fatty, ridiculously tender meat on Friday night, I didn't eat myself to the point of belly-aching overkill. I ate til I was satisfied, and then had one more piece of corned beef beyond that. Dear readers: a year or two ago, I'd have eaten three or four pieces beyond that, so we're making progress here, okay?
But unfortunately, Friday night's dinner turned into the gateway drug for a major backslide on the Regimen. When Saturday rolled around, I intended to eat sensibly again, but I had class all day in Alameda starting at 9:00am, and couldn't pry myself out of bed early enough to prepare for the day before meeting my carpool at 8:30. So instead of the oatmeal I would've normally made for breakfast, I ended up eating a chocolate croissant supplied by a well-meaning classmate. Then for lunch, I did okay, ordering a grilled chicken and rice salad bowl from a nearby burrito/wraps kinda strip mall food outlet.
But then happy hour arrived. When the carpool got back into the City, I got the mischievous yen for bloody marys, dragging E-dog and EDG to have cocktails with me at the Orbit Room (scroll way down to the March, 2008, reviews, and see my very own), and getting Astrid to meet up with us. The evening devolved from there into a gluttonous adventure of too many drinks of too many varieties of alcohol, and ordering in Chinese food, which is always pretty much the death knell on reasonable portions for me.
Which led me right into Sunday, a day supposed to be devoted to my thesis, which started on the doubly-wrong foot of leftover chou mein and pancakes made by the lovely Astrid (they were multi-grain, at least), followed by leftover hot and sour soup, then a thesis-related stress craving for a chocolate milkshake, fulfilled down the street at Burgermeister (mmmm...Mitchell's ice cream!), then DJ came over for Bad Movie Night and we ordered in from a pizza place that, god bless/damn them, also makes chicken strips. Sigh.
This morning: oats and flax. Yum.
Then the family dinner for my birthday in San Jose happened. And I'm a sucker for corned beef, as we all know. But even though I piled on too much of the fatty, ridiculously tender meat on Friday night, I didn't eat myself to the point of belly-aching overkill. I ate til I was satisfied, and then had one more piece of corned beef beyond that. Dear readers: a year or two ago, I'd have eaten three or four pieces beyond that, so we're making progress here, okay?
But unfortunately, Friday night's dinner turned into the gateway drug for a major backslide on the Regimen. When Saturday rolled around, I intended to eat sensibly again, but I had class all day in Alameda starting at 9:00am, and couldn't pry myself out of bed early enough to prepare for the day before meeting my carpool at 8:30. So instead of the oatmeal I would've normally made for breakfast, I ended up eating a chocolate croissant supplied by a well-meaning classmate. Then for lunch, I did okay, ordering a grilled chicken and rice salad bowl from a nearby burrito/wraps kinda strip mall food outlet.
But then happy hour arrived. When the carpool got back into the City, I got the mischievous yen for bloody marys, dragging E-dog and EDG to have cocktails with me at the Orbit Room (scroll way down to the March, 2008, reviews, and see my very own), and getting Astrid to meet up with us. The evening devolved from there into a gluttonous adventure of too many drinks of too many varieties of alcohol, and ordering in Chinese food, which is always pretty much the death knell on reasonable portions for me.
Which led me right into Sunday, a day supposed to be devoted to my thesis, which started on the doubly-wrong foot of leftover chou mein and pancakes made by the lovely Astrid (they were multi-grain, at least), followed by leftover hot and sour soup, then a thesis-related stress craving for a chocolate milkshake, fulfilled down the street at Burgermeister (mmmm...Mitchell's ice cream!), then DJ came over for Bad Movie Night and we ordered in from a pizza place that, god bless/damn them, also makes chicken strips. Sigh.
This morning: oats and flax. Yum.
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